The Drunken cat and the possessed pen!_episode 61

Francis, the cat, is resting in the living room, sleeping on the couch.

He wakes up startled after hearing a bottle break in the kitchen.

Groggy and seriously hangover, he slowly gets up and starts walking to the kitchen, dragging his feet, or paws.

Cat: Dam it Jason, I was sleeping you know! Could you keep it down? My head is killing me.

But Francis comes face to face with two other male cats; gigantic, enormous cats.

Cat: What? Who the hell are you two?
Male cat#1: Oh hi there.
Cat: Who´re you?

Male cat #2: we´re your new neighbors.
Cat: My what?
Male cat #1: Your new neighbors.

Cat: From next door?
Male cat #1: Yes, yes. We were just stopping by to say hello.
Cat: And you couldn´t ring the doorbell? You just barge in.

Male cat #2: Sorry. It´s too high up. We couldn´t reach it.
Male cat #1: And we saw the cat door. We immediately knew there was a cat here…
Male cat #2 (interrupting): Probably…

Male cat #1: yes. And we thought we should come and say hello. Introduce ourselves.
Cat (twisting his nose from their awful stank): And you couldn´t have bathed before?
Male cat #2: We apologize, but you see, we were just adopted…

Male cat #1: Yes, we were adopted, poor us. We lived in awful conditions.
Male cat #2: yes, awful conditions, at a shelter.

Male cat #1: but now this nice old lady from next door adopted us.

The two cats start circling Francis.

Francis looks at the two of them and relaxes.

Cat: well, if that is the case. Welcome! Could you not make a mess though? Jason will think I did it and he´ll yell at me.

Male cat #1: we apologize, we were looking for food.
Male cat #2: yes. The nice old lady, who brought us home, gave us cat food, that awful dry stuff.

Francis twits his nose in disgust.

Cat: That stuff is appalling! Yuck!
Male cat #1: Right?
Male cat #2: anyways, we were thinking if you could help us out.
Cat: with what?
Male cat #1: Do you have anything?

Cat: Just what´s in my bowl.
Male cat #2 (changing the subject): so, do you live here alone?
Cat: No. I live with Jason.

Male cat #1: who´s Jason?
Cat: He´s my friend.

The two cats start to laugh.

Male cat #2: Ha! Ha! Ha!
Cat: Why are you laughing?
Male cat #1: Your friend? He owns you.
Male cat #2: You´re a pet!

Cat: So?
Male cat #1: Look at you. You´re a fluff ball.
Cat: And? I´m sorry, are you trying to make a valid point or are you just trying to annoy me?

The two cats start to get angry by Francis´s attitude.

Male cat #1: Here´s the deal fluffy: We now own this place and you are going to do as we say.
Cat (ignoring the snide remark): Are you high?
Male cat #2: If you don´t…
Cat (interrupting): Oh shut up!

They get startled as Francis raises his voice.

Male cat #1: What did you just say?
Cat: You think because I´m cute and fluffy and incredibly adorable I won´t be able to kick you two out? This is my house.

Male cat #1:  Was! And now it’s ours!
Male cat #2: yeah, ours.

Francis rolls his eyes in annoyance.

Cat: Listen to me sewer rats, no offense to rats, I happen to be friends with a rat and he´s nice and all. Anyways, you two are going to skedaddle the heck out of my house, now!

Male cat #1: And if we refuse?
Male cat #2: What´s skedaddle?
Male cat #1 (looking at his friend): You really are stupid aren´t you?
Male cat #2: You are so mean!

The two cats then look at Francis, who sys in annoyance.

He looks back at them. He looks pissed.
Francis raises his paws and his claws come out of hiding (from his fur).

Both cats swallow in dry and take a step back.

Cat: You see, this is my house! No one takes my place. If you wanted food, you could have just asked. I know its hard living on the street. But threaten me and I´ll bite the hell out of you!

Male cat #1: We´re sorry!
Male cat #2: Yeah, I mean, we heard that a cat lived here, a useless fluff ball.

Male cat #1 looks at #2 like he´s an idiot.

Male cat #2: No, not useless, just fluffy.
Male cat #1: yeah, fluffy.
Male cat #2: And nice.
Male cat #1: very nice!


The two cats are petrified and get confused. They run of, not giving a chance to Francis to bite them.

Cats #1 & #2 (escaping): Please don´t bite us!

Cat: oh please! Yuck! You two are disgusting. Like I’d risk getting a disease from biting your filthy asses!

They run of.

Francis turns his back and goes back to his resting place. On his way, something crimson catches his eye.

Cat: But then again… It would be a shame letting all that goodness go to waste.

Francis changes course and goes for the kitchen.

Cat (before drinking) Bottoms up… or something.

The end!

2016_Joana Teixeira


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