The Drunken cat and the possessed pen!_episode 58

Francis, the cat, is lying in his bed about to fall asleep.
Jason, his owner, or loyal servant as Francis likes to refer to him comes into the kitchen.

Jason walks over to Francis and shakes him up a bit.

Jason: kitty cat wake up.
Cat: what?
Jason: wake up kitty.

Cat: Are you high or something? What´s with the “kitty”?
Jason: I have a treat for you.

Francis opens one eye, interested.

Jason: I have something for you that you love very much.
Cat: I already know where you hide the bottle of magic milk. You´ve got nothing I want.
Jason: come on Francis, I promise you´ll like it.

Cat: If you´re trying to trick me into something, I´m going to bite you, hard. I´ll probably barf afterwards too, just so you´ll know.

Jason: come on Francis!

Jason picks the cat up from his bed and sets him on the kitchen counter.

Francis sees the cat carrier that Jason uses to transport him and turns in the opposite direction to run.

Jason catches him before he can escape.

Jason: come on Francis, be a good boy.
Cat: I am a good boy. Key word “boy”. Every time I get into that thing I come back looking like a transvestite. The bad version!

Jason (noticing Francis´s impatience): If you get into the carrier, I´ll give you one of those treats you love so much. You know, the ones with truffles.

Francis´s eyes open wide and start to shine like precious jewels.

Cat (drooling a little): truffles? Really? Truffles? You have truffles? With chocolate? Where? Where? I´ll do anything you want! Truffles? Please…

Jason: Now…

Before Jason could finish his sentence Francis rushes inside the carrier, excited.

Jason: Magic word: truffles. Noted!

Francis, the cat, waits with anticipation but instead Jason takes the opportunity to close the door and trap him inside.

Francis goes from elated to furious.

Cat: hey! You tricked me! Stupid human, where are my truffles?
Jason: Now Francis, don´t get mad…
Cat: too late! I´m already mad!

Jason (cont.): … but I´m going away for a few days and I can´t take you with me, nor can I leave you here alone.

Cat: I hate you! You tricked me! As soon as this door opens I´m going to jump you and bite you. I might even break a nail.

Francis is so preoccupied with his rant that he misses Jason´s apologetic speech.

Jason: … so basically you´re going to have to stay with my mom for a few days.

The moment Jason says mother, Francis gets a cold chill from head to paws. He freezes and stops bitching.

Jason: You´ll be with her for a few days while I´m away, Okay?
Cat: No! NO! NO! It´s not okay! I thought I was your cat. Your child! And now you´re telling me that you´re going to leave me? With a witch like your mother? She hates me! She thinks I´m an androgynous fluff ball, whatever the hell that means!

Jason: stop complaining! Or would you rather I leave you at the vet?
Cat: you know stupid human, there are these things now called hotel for pets. Why can´t I stay at one of those?

Jason: Think of it this way, you´ll be spending time with your grandma.
Cat: she´s not my grandmother, you stupid creature!

Jason picks up the carrier.

Cat (by the door): NO! Help! No! I don´t want to go!
Jason: Shut up, you crazy cat.
Cat: I hate you!

To be continued…

2016_Joana Teixeira

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